Dull as a Tack

Peeling carrots

2009-06-17T21:10:00.001-07:00

This past weekend Brittany hosted a BBQ to celebrate her graduation with her Master's. When I came into the kitchen she was carefully trying to peel a carrot using a serrated knife to slice off the exterior, while the carrot is lying horizontally on a cutting board.

I mentioned that we had a vegetable peeler that would make the job easier, and pulled one out of a drawer. Brittany gives a blank stare, of course, and says, "I thought that could only be used for potatoes." Then she continues to use it similarly to the knife. It was so painful to watch, I asked to demonstrate how to use it, and I held the carrot in my hand over the bowl for the peelings, and finished the peeling in seconds.

Brittany looked amazed and said it had taken her hours to peel carrots for the tomato sauce she made a few weeks ago.

I never got around to teaching her the trick of using a serrated knife to scrape at the peel of a carrot instead of trying to cut off strips.

When I told this story to my hairdresser, she said she had to tell her friend to use a vegetable peeler on a kiwi. Another friend warns that her boyfriend broke their peeler when he was using it to slice cheese, though.

Grilling

2009-06-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt the need to blog about Brittany in a long time, but I figured i would add an anecdote from about a year ago that I tell often.

Through this blog and telephone updates, my parents and siblings had heard of Brittany's escapades, but must had thought I was exaggerating. In July of 2008, my mother and sister came for a visit, and spent time with Brittany while I was at work. One evening my mother was about to cook dinner and Brittany asked her what she was going to make, and my mother replied, "Some steaks I picked up at the grocery store." And Brittany says she s going to make the same, and asks my mom how she was going to cook them. My mom says, "I was thinking of grilling them." Brittany responded with her patented stare, so my mother asks how she was going to cook her steak. Brittany replied, "On a pan, on the stove. I thought you could only grill hamburgers and hotdogs."

But oddly a few weeks before Brittany had accompanied me to a BBQ where my friends made Bulgogi on a charcoal grill.

Cookies

2008-03-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

I think I have remarked before on Brittany's making pre-made cookies: to send to a friend in the Army and for a guy on Valentine's. Since we are snowed-in by the Blizzard of '08 I decided to do a little baking today. I didn't want to take the time to place cookies on a sheet though, so I decided to make chocolate-chip cookie bars. When Brittany came into the kitchen as I was gathering my flour, sugar and chocolate chips from the pantry and told her I was making cookies, she asked me, "Do you have mix?" And when I said no, most people make cookies from scratch and the recipe is even on the bag of Tollhouse morsels, she was in shock. Apparently Brittany's mom had informed her it was impossible to make cookies on one's own- that it was too hard and they didn't come out well.

So mothers, do not fail your children as Brittany has been failed.

Tilted Kilt

2008-02-27T16:25:00.000-08:00

Brittany is very excited that she has found a new job to supplement her Salvation Army internship income. She will be a bartender at a new bar about to be opened in Columbus, part of the Tilted Kilt chain. You really need to check out their website to know why I'm horrified.

Even worse, although she touts her bartending skills, she needs to start practising because she "sight poured" shots- i.e. knew what a shot looked like in a (particular) glass. She had never even heard of the variously named free/count/time pour that most professional bartenders use. Well, hopefully the outfit will look good on her.

Primary Colors

2008-02-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

After her thinking that the presidential primary was in November, I believed that Brittany had been steered correctly in her understanding of American party politics. But, as is so often the case, I underestimated her ignorance.

On Monday I was discussing with Brittany the debate I had heard on NPR between two Democratic candidates for county commissioner (sadly they were both unable to put together a coherent sentence). I stated my belief that neither seemed worth voting for when Brittany replied that she hadn;t paid any attention to any of the races and so was just going to vote for "the Democrat" come Tuesday. When I said that since it's a primary we're voting between two Democrats she gave her patented blank stare.

Now primaries are odd things, the rules seem to be different wherever you are, as I am learning during this year's presidential campaign, but the basic idea is always the same: choosing who will represent a particular party in a general election. My vote has never really mattered before in a presidential election, but in the past I lived in areas so heavily partisan that only the primary mattered for local positions.

Jicama

2008-02-26T14:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out to dinner with Brittany and we chatted about our weekends/days and she told me about a new fruit she had tried from the grocery store "JI-cam-a," which she accurately described as looking like a potato but tasting a little more like a bland apple. Now, I wouldn't expect someone to get the pronunciation correct as "Hee-kah-mah" if they've never heard of it before, but I did think it was pretty obvious that most of us don't describe it as a fruit. Even worse, when I said it was a little more like a potato in that it was a tuber, Brittany stared at me blankly, never having hear of tubers before.

I just mentioned this story to my officemate, let's call him B.J., and he too had never heard the word tuber before. Looking things up in wikipedia it does seem like the definition of tuber and root vegetable is a little more complicated than I previously thought, but it still looks to be an entirely pedestrian term that I thought most educated people would have heard.

The Grammy's

2008-02-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Watching the Grammy Awards Show with Brittany finally propelled me to update this blog. At some point soon I will add posts about the past month too, but now for the Sunday night drama:

Brittany walked in while Tina Turner and Beyonce (Knowles) were singing Proud Mary. Brittany said, "Wow, Diana Ross looks great!" And when I pointed out that it was really Tina Turner she explained that the camera shot was only showing the "INA" of the performer's name. "True," I said, "but Proud Mary is kinda a signature Tina Turner song."

Brittany stuck around for the montage of the music industry people that died in the past year, and it ended with Luciano Pavarotti. Brittany said, "It was nice that they ended those pictures with Pavarotti since he diad last year." I pointed out, "The montage was for all the people that died last year- that's why they did that."

Then Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groban sang a duet of "The Prayer" in honor of those that died, and while Bocelli was introducing the piece Brittany wondered, "Why won't he open his eyes and look up, that's not a very good presentation style." I replied, "Well, he's blind." And Brittany said, "I knew something was up with his eyes."

Finally, Brittany jumped on the bandwagon of people against Amy Winehouse being "rewarded" this year because of her personal problems. Though I don't think Winehouse is any sort of role model, when an award is given for achievement and someone has produced the best song for a given year, then the award should go to that person.

Brittany Briefs

2008-01-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

Many of the things Brittany says or does do not live up to a full blog post, so here I shall combine a few of them.

The first evidence I have to back up her statement that she is "the biggest nerd I will ever meet" is that she plays ARGs (alternate reality games). Tonight I have to take a picture of her standing outside a movie theatre at midnight holding an insignia with a candle burning within it.

Her friend Tim, one of the game night participants, is a single 30 year old guy who decided to have a vasectomy so he could enjoy his single days a bit more. Brittany informed me that all men with vasectomies set off the metal detectors in airports, and then when the wand indicates a beep where it inevitably will, they have to explain the circumstances. Wow- yet another occasion where a kernel of truth loses touch with reality. Certainly some men that get a vasectomy where a clip stops flow in the vas deferens and there are some metal clips available that can set off the detectors. But most of these surgeries, from a quick web survey, utilise titanium hemoclips which do not set off metal detectors. And these are just a small number of all vasectomies given. Most include the cutting of the vas with stitches or cauterization on the ends.

While doing laundry, Brittany praised me for cleaning out the lint trap saying, "Did you know that lint can be a leading cause of house fires?" I said yes, explained that I taught fire safety for a year to elementary school students, and added that the greater danger that is often ignored is the lint trapped in the dryer's plastic vent tube. (Aluminium tubing is much less likely to catch fire). Brittany ended the discussion, seemingly unaware that I was more knowledgeable than she with, "Well I just wanted to share; I'm full of random factoids like that."

Brittany bought a new iPod USB charging cable. I have no evidence that this is the case, but I fear she tried something like the onion in Gatorade charging method that is a hoax on YouTube. Sadly 5 million people have seen this clip, and some high fraction seem to believe, based upon other blog entries I've seen. Luckily some smart people out there have made spoofs that are pretty funny, including charging with an eggnog filled pepperoncini, a kitten, and a pumpkin. But it does seem sad that the skeptics don't even believe the truth about potato or lemon etc. batteries.

A Bad Birthday for Brittany

2008-01-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

Brittany stayed in last weekend over her birthday, waiting for a male friend of hers to take her out. This guy, let's call him Mark, has been a true jerk to Brittany since she arrived in August. They had known each other for over a year via MySpace before she moved, coincidentally, to the same town he had his medical residency in. Although they speak on the phone more than ten hours a week, in six months they have yet to meet in person. But this is not Brittany's fault. Mark cancels, regularly, at the last minute. And every time he presents a plausible tale.

Well he promised to take her out to dinner on her birthday, a Friday, since he was supposed to get off work (more in a second on that) at 7 pm. At midnight he still had not left, so he promised to make it up to her on Saturday, when he was supposed to get off at 9 pm. At 10:30 he still hadn't off, and he never called, texted, or emailed to cancel entirely.

So Mark, though he is only a week older than Brittany, said he graduated college in 1 year and medical school in three so that he is currently a first year medical resident. Brittany has said she has spoken to nurses on nights he was on call and has received emails from a work email account, but I can find no list of residents with the hospital to check, and he doesn't have a medical license yet.

Anyway, here's his MySpace account: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=68831614

Any advice on how to find out the truth about him and why he has treated Brittany so shamefully?

Maybe I wrote too soon...........

2008-01-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

On the same flight that Brittany took home bringing my passport she tried to take a bottle of water through security to the plane. She knew about the restrictions, she had her plastic baggy of travel size toiletries, but she still thought she could take a bottle of water.

To be fair, alot of seasoned travellers run into problems with the TSA restrictions. And they are ridiculous, as pointed out in a recent NYTimes blog.

Best of Brittany: Christmas Edition

2007-12-21T21:56:00.000-08:00

As I have been writing this blog, I realized that, in the sake of entertainment and humorous release, it was a little unfair to Brittany. I have intended to extol some of Brittany's true virtues for a while, and the holiday season provides the right occasion, not only because of the spirit of the season, but also because the huge favor Brittany has just performed for me.

Brittany fills and empties the dishwasher far more often than she is responsible for doing.

She cleans the bathroom and kitchen without being asked.

She presents a smiling face with a story to tell when I get home late from work- which is so much better than coming home to darkness and silence.

But now for the occasions Brittany has saved me from my absent-mindedness:
1) Only two days after she moved in, I was going on a trip. But when I got to the airport I discovered that I had forgotten my cameras memory on my dresser. She drove it all the way to the airport at 7 am for me.

2) For Christmas my family is headed abroad, but I first drove 8 hours to my parents home: without my passport. I was able to call Brittany, and she'll bring my passport to her parents' house tomorrow, and then I can pick it up on Sunday.

I can't believe it never even entered my head that I would need my passport. My mother asked me for it so that she could make a photocopy! I don't want to be taken as a cruel hypocrite. I can tell the truth about my own failings and laugh at them.

Brittany is a sweet and caring person who has helped me in my times of stupidity.

Love is Love

2007-12-21T21:54:00.000-08:00

The following is an old post from another blog I have. It was a story that include Brittany at Halloween time.

This past Saturday night the local news came on with a story about invitations to a concert at Denison college having a noose on them while exhorting students to come to a Halloween event by saying, "Come hang with us". It all seemed a bit silly to get riled up over, but apparently multiple tolerance focused groups on the Denison campus took action, so the newscasters interviewed them. One student, the mohawked president of an anti-hate group was putting up signs in opposition; the signs were hand-drawn in pink marker and said "Love is Love" with hearts around them. I started to laugh and describe what was on TV to my roommate who was in the kitchen.

She didn't understand why I was laughing- and thought that the "Love is Love" message was a good one - and true!- no matter what.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Best of Brittany: Game Night Edition

2007-12-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

A few weekends ago Brittany had game night with 4 of her friends, me and two of my friends. I was a little worried because she had bought the board game version of "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and though I knew the answer for me, I wasn't sure about Brittany.

The game did not start off with a promising start, as Brittany couldn't understand the directions after she read them, so she made her own up. We answered a total of 19 questions, and here are seven that I was shocked that neither she nor her friends could answer:

Multiple choice, What is the capital of Canada: Quebec, Toronto, Ottawa
Brittany thought my friends and I were guessing when we said it was Ottawa, she couldn't imagine someone actually knowing.

What ocean is the Gulf Stream in?
Do Brittany and her friends understand anything that is in the media regarding global warming?

Multiple choice: What is the fastest land mammal: Cheetah, Jaguar, Tiger
Brittany didn't understand that you could reason out the answer based on the animals' habitat.

True or false: The Declaration of Independence was signed in Philadelphia.
Brittany thought it was New York. But why not Boston? or Charleston? or Washington D.C. :) ?

How many of the letters of the alphabet represent musical notes?
7=ABCDEFG is too hard, but I did like the ingenuity of Brittany's friend that added FACE and Every Good Boy Does Fine to get 9

True or false: Abolitionist John Brown was born a slave.
They had never heard of John Brown, not even African-American Regan. They didn't even think about the fact that he was likely to be white and thus not born a slave. They looked at me as if I were an alien as I told them about Burning Kansas and Harper's Ferry and the lyrics to "John Brown's body".

What formed the Great Lakes?
Glaciers didn't come to mind, not even for the three Ohio natives.

Once we decided this game was a bust, we started playing Clue. Which would have gone well had Brittany not put two weapons and no room in the solution set. C'est la vie.

Best of Brittany: The Beginning

2007-12-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Brittany didn't know that you have to be careful with your delicates in the wash and she was surprised that her under-wire bras were breaking in the dryer.

Brittany will hire/bribe guy friends to put together bookshelves/desks/lamps for her.

Brittany describes herself as an Italian New Yorker, but has never heard of prosciutto (or mascarpone).

Brittany can't drive without her GPS system, unable to figure out that she needs to get on the highway going east to get to Easton.

Brittany believes guys that lie to her: about their ages, jobs, having children, being married and being in town.

Brittany cannot figure out why vegetables she bought two weeks ago and left in a plastic bag in the fridge went bad.

Brittany buys dishwasher tabs because it is too complicated to "measure out" powder or liquid detergent.

Brittany, who wants to be a social worker, turned down an internship since she would have to drive through bad neighborhoods.

Brittany was upset when she heated up a Kashi Fiesta Chicken microwave dinner to find out that there were black beans in it. The beans were in the picture on the cover of the box, and in the list of ingredients, but the description of the meal on the box said "chicken and cheese over spicy rice". Brittany hates beans.

Brittany came home one evening after being followed halfway there by a man she didn't know from the bar she was at, and asked if she could keep a gun in the house. When I said no, she remarked that the cat would probably find a way to kill her with it. She then changed her plan to keep a baseball bat under her bed. (She did already carry Mace.)

Brittany thought the November 2007 general election was the presidential primary -- she was volunteering for the Obama campaign all fall.

Just a Spoonful of Cinnamon to Help the Sugar Go Down

2007-12-10T20:58:00.001-08:00

Brittany read in a magazine, I'm betting Cosmo, that 1/4 -1/2 tsp. of cinnamon a day will help lower your blood sugar. A quick Google search I did of this seems to confirm it, but it is certainly pushed by people obsessed with alternative health. But Brittany didn't quite get the point. She had baked some cookies tonight to mail to a friend* and eaten a few and felt like this was too much sugar so she wanted to have some cinnamon. So she poured herself a spoon of cinnamon and tried to swallow it. As the accompanying videos a quick search on Google can attest to, this doesn't work very well (and all of those people appear to know that something humorous will follow)! I wish I had been in the kitchen for it, Brittany pouffed cinnamon all over the sink, poured water on her tongue, and then tried to induce vomiting to get rid of the scratchy feeling in her throat. I offered sympathy.

*She made the pre-cut store-bought chocolate-chip cookie dough, and put the hot cookies straight off the pan into the Tupperware she is mailing. Then she couldn't understand why the cookies all got bent and stuck together, when she didn't use a cooling rack or paper-bags to let the cookies cool flat.

What is French Toast?

2007-12-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

I can no longer keep a straight face when I talk with Brittany in the evenings, and sharing the stories with friends and co-workers isn't enough. I need a blog for Brittany.

Tonight I was making bread pudding, not the most common of American desserts, and my roommate asked what was in it and how to make it. Since I make a very simple version (from a Betty Crocker cookbook) I started to describe it as a almost a French toast casserole. Brittany continued to look at me with a blank stare until I continued stating the ingredients (milk, butter, eggs, sugar, cinnamon and bread). Finally she admitted she had no idea how to make French toast or even what it was. So then I explained how to make French toast.

Seriously, she didn't know what French toast was?